RFC1882

Network Working Group B. Hancock Request for Comments: 1882 Network-1 Software and Technology, Inc. Category: Informational December 1995

           The 12-Days of Technology Before Christmas

Status of this Memo

This memo provides information for the Internet community. This memo does not specify an Internet standard of any kind. Distribution of this memo is unlimited.

Discussion

On the first day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      A database with a broken b-tree (what the hell is a b-tree
      anyway?)

On the second day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Two transceiver failures (CRC errors? Collisions? What is
      going on?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Rebuild WHAT? It's a
      10GB database!)

On the third day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Three French users (who, of course, think they know
      everything)
      Two transceiver failures (which are now spewing packets all
      over the net)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Backup? What backup?)

On the fourth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Four calls for support (playing the same Christmas song over
      and over)
      Three French users (Why do they like to argue so much over
      trivial things?)
      Two transceiver failures (How the hell do I know which ones
      they are?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Pointer error? What's a
      pointer error?)

On the fifth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Five golden SCSI contacts (Of course they're better than
      silver!)
      Four support calls (Ever notice how time stands still when on
      hold?
      Three French users (No, we don't have footpedals on PC's. Why
      do you ask?)
      Two transceiver failures (If I knew which ones were bad, I
      would know which ones to fix!)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Not till next week? Are
      you nuts?!?!)

On the sixth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Six games a-playing (On the production network, of course!)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean "not terminated!")
      Four support calls (No, don't transfer me again - do you HEAR?
      Damn!)
      Three French users (No, you cannot scan in by putting the page
      to the screen...)
      Two transceiver failures (I can't look at the LEDs - they're
      in the ceiling!)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Norway? That's where this
      was written?)

On the seventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Seven license failures (Expired? When?)
      Six games a-playing (Please stop tying up the PBX to talk to
      each other!)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean I need "wide"
      SCSI?)
      Four support calls (At least the Muzak is different this
      time...)
      Three French Users (Well, monsieur, there really isn't an
      "any" key, but...)
      Two transceiver failures (SQE? What is that? If I knew I would
      set it myself!)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I really need to talk
      to Lars - NOW!)

On the eighth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Eight MODEMs dialing (Who bought these? They're a security
      violation!)
      Seven license failures (How many WEEKS to get a license?)
      Six games a-playing (What do you mean one pixel per packet on
      updates?!?)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (Fast SCSI? It's supposed to be
      fast, isn't it?)
      Four support calls (I already told them that! Don't transfer
      me back - DAMN!)
      Three French users (No, CTL-ALT-DEL is not the proper way to
      end a program)
      Two transceiver failures (What do you mean "babbling
      transceiver"?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Does anyone speak English
      in Oslo?)

On the ninth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Nine lady executives with attitude (She said do WHAT with the
      servers?)
      Eight MODEMs dialing (You've been downloading WHAT?)
      Seven license failures (We sent the P.O. two months ago!)
      Six games a-playing (HOW many people are doing this to the
      network?)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (What do you mean two have the same
      ID?)
      Four support calls (No, I am not at the console - I tried that
      already.)
      Three French users (No, only one floppy fits at a time? Why do
      you ask?)
      Two transceiver failures (Spare? What spare?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (No, I am trying to find
      Lars!  L-A-R-S!)

On the tenth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What is that Godawful beeping?)
      Nine lady executives with attitude (No, it used to be a mens
      room? Why?)
      Eight MODEMs dialing (What Internet provider? We don't allow
      Internet here!)
      Seven license failures (SPA? Why are they calling us?)
      Six games a-playing (No, you don't need a graphics accelerator
      for Lotus! )
      Five golden SCSI contacts (You mean I need ANOTHER cable?)
      Four support calls (No, I never needed an account number
      before...)
      Three French users (When the PC sounds like a cat, it's a head
      crash!)
      Two transceiver failures (Power connection? What power
      connection?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (Restore what index
      pointers?)

On the eleventh day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Eleven boards a-frying (What is that terrible smell?)
      Ten SNMP alerts flashing (What's a MIB, anyway? What's an
      extension?)
      Nine lady executives with attitude (Mauve? Our computer room
      tiles in mauve?)
      Eight MODEMs dialing (What do you mean you let your roommate
      dial-in?)
      Seven license failures (How many other illegal copies do we
      have?!?!)
      Six games a-playing (I told you - AFTER HOURS!)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (If I knew what was wrong, I
      wouldn't be calling!)
      Four support calls (Put me on hold again and I will slash your
      credit rating!)
      Three French users (Don't hang your floppies with a magnet
      again!)
      Two transceiver failures (How should I know if the connector
      is bad?)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (I already did all of
      that!)

On the twelfth day of Christmas, technology gave to me:

      Twelve virtual pipe connections (There's only supposed to be
      two!)
      Eleven boards a-frying (What a surge suppressor supposed to
      do, anyway?)
      Ten SNMP alerts flashing (From a distance, it does kinda look
      like XMas lights.)
      Nine lady executives with attitude (What do you mean aerobics
      before backups?)
      Eight MODEMs dialing (No, we never use them to connect during
      business hours.)
      Seven license failures (We're all going to jail, I just know
      it.)
      Six games a-playing (No, no - my turn, my turn!)
      Five golden SCSI contacts (Great, just great! Now it won't
      even boot!)
      Four support calls (I don't have that package! How did I end
      up with you!)
      Three French users (I don't care if it is sexy, no more nude
      screen backgrounds!)
      Two transceiver failures (Maybe we should switch to token
      ring...)
      And a database with a broken b-tree (No, operator - Oslo,
      Norway.  We were just talking and were cut off...)

Security Considerations

Security issues are not discussed in this memo.

Author's Address

Bill Hancock, Ph.D. Network-1 Software & Technology, Inc. DFW Research Center 878 Greenview Dr. Grand Prairie, TX 75050

EMail: [email protected] Phone: (214) 606-8200 Fax: (214) 606-8220